I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
