and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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