It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize