I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
vagina is talking i cant
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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