Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
