he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
