Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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