So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize