Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
