: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize