If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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