I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
