fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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