I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize