Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
