dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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