I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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