i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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