it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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