Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
