i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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