He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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