gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
