Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize