I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You smell like stripper and shame
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my liver is dry heaving
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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