i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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