i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
