for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
