the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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