so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
