You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
