i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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