You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
