we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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