I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
