I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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