I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
