She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
