I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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