Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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