I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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