I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
