true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
