If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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