Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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