that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
