you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
