I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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