Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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