I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
