OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
