you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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