You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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