Your mouth is God's brothel.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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