So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
